"Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good fight!"

The Night Before 986996.M41

by Patrick Marstall (MarstallP@bah.com)


'Twas the night before 986996.M41, and all through the station
All there was clear, there was no abomination.

My helmet was set on the desk to my right,
On the chance that I was to need it that night.

The guardsmen were ensconced, asleep in their beds,
All the tanks too were safe, secure in the sheds.

Marines in the barracks, some manning the wall,
Assured me that the bastion never would fall.

When out in the yard there arose such discord
I grabbed up my bolter and unsheathed my sword.

Away to the window, I ran to take aim
As the marines around me all did the same.

My bionic eye turned the night into day
Allowed me to see, and to seek out my prey.

When what did my loyalist ocular show,
But an ancient conveyance, knee-deep in the snow.

The vehicle was pulled by horned quadrupeds
And a fiery red nimbus glowed from the sled.

The driver was mighty, his eyes full of scorn,
Dressed all in crimson like a servant of Khorne.

I gestured for other to shoot without pause,
For I was now certain this was Santa Claus.

"Fire Marines! Fire Guardsmen! Fire Ogryn and Ratlings!
Fire bolters! Fire lasguns! Fire mortars and gatlings!"

"You in the courtyard and you men on the walls!
Now blast away! Blast away! Blast away all!"

But all through this maelstrom the evil one flew,
Past plasma and bolt shells and frag that we threw!

And then, to my horror, I heard on the roof
The vile cavorting of each decadent hoof.

Screaming my orders, I spun quickly around,
As down the chimney shaft it came with a bound.

I saw its eyes glow, its vast stomach gurgle,
Bloated and fat, like a deamon of Nurgle.

Blinded by anger, I attacked with a scream -
Charged into battle with my brave space marines.

As we thundered towards him, closing the rift,
He reached in his satchel and pulled out a gift.

Then it tossed the vile boxes - I fell in a stoop,
As they arced through the air at me and my troops.

The wrapped missiles fell short, and plopped at our feet,
Our morale was quite strong, we did not retreat.

But the marines paused - our charge was disrupted,
They picked up the gifts and were quickly corrupted.

For each box contained a chaotic present -
The marines (damn their souls), found them quite pleasant.

A bolter, a flamer, a new power fist,
The Claus gave to all, and he checked off a list.

It moved through the station and left in its wake,
The sound of bright laughter and the stench of fruitcake.

The others succumbed, but it failed in its goal,
For to me it gave only a small pile of coal.

The station was lost, I could only instruct
The bastion computer to set self-destruct.

I failed to kill him, for I saw as I fled,
The target escaping, quite safe in his sled.

I heard it cry out as the base burst into light,
"Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night!"

Thundarr the Barbarian

I know, I know...but just hear me out here....

This guy is probably the most powerful fictional character ever. His Saturday morning cartoon is such that I don't know how I survived watching it w/o my head exploding when I was a child.

I just ordered the dvd's from WB home video archives and have been watching them on and off with my 8yo son. Obviously....he's playing "Thundarr" now, of course, and with good reason. This uncouth barbarian puts all other super-heroes to shame.

Let's analyse this character so you'll get an idea how badass he is. Thus far...I've reintroduced myself to 7 episodes and this fearless barbarian has destroyed:

10 wizards (11 if you count Gemini twice)

The Kraken

Fucking King Kong

A pack of Werewolves

A tribe of ape men

A horde of Skaven

and more lesser monsters and robots than you can shake a Sun-Sword at!

....what super powers does Thundarr have to take on these threats from 3094?

1. a lightsaber

2. Unbridled fury

3. a lust for combat

4. witty dialog (I'm not kidding...I get chills when this guy talks!)

LORDS OF LIGHT!!!

Thundarr talks about himself in 3rd person. (another requirement for badassness) Many super hero's get a sidekick....Thundarr is so awesome he fucking gets two.

Thundarr aside...what else is awesome about this cartoon? Well, for one thing it's not a pussy cartoon made recently. It was made in the 80's when violence in cartoons was not just the norm...it was a fucking rule! It also combines everything that is cool about Sci-Fi and Fantasy.

You have an Apocolyptic setting in the far future.

Magic.

Super-Science. (high tech is not descriptive enough)

Fantasy Creatures.

DEMON DOGS!!! YOU MUST BUY THIS NOW!!!

Honestly, if you like cartoons, if you like nostolgic stuff, if you are human and wizards are oppressing you....you need to pick this up.

I BLEED for GW!

I havent had a chance to bitch about much lately b/c...well...there simply isnt enough drama going on right now! Unfortunate. Maybe I'll get serious and stop goofing off with BS barking and cussing at people and do a real article for once....then get back to bullying people....

At any rate, a real article.

This one is mostly for us [southern accent]Amarkins *ptoo*[/southern accent] as you guys across the pond havent got blokes in charge with any business sense to come up with motivating ways to get people to volunteer their time.

Anyway, if you're like me you're underpaid, have a family, bills, possibly a mortgage, car payment, and generally better ways to spend your money than to dump wads and wads of cash down for a set of $10 apeice plastic terminators or a $60 dollar tank. If you're not like me you might be a college kid with limited means right now to dump on models.

I might have a solution for you.

It came to me during the time leading up to the NOVA tournament. I discovered that I was going to be woefully low on spending money and money for gas/room once I got there. My paychecks have been really spoken for lately and havent done much to support my hobby alone much less a tournament weekend where one can easily blow thru $500 + dollars.

What was I going to do?

Well, my GF works at the local plasma center. She's been telling me for months that I should go in to the center and donate plasma as its just extra money...and its like free money b/c you're just sitting there for an hour reading a book or whatever. I was hearing her but was rather avoiding it b/c the idea of giving up bodily fluids on a regular basis anywhere but at a toilet skeeves me out. I don't really much like needles (who the fuck does????) and the last time I gave blood for a physical I inexplicably almost passed out. (fucking whimp)

Well, the tournament weekend was actually in danger so I decided that desperate times call for desperate measures so I rolled up my sleeve and headed into the plasma center. I vowed that I was at least going to get in an initial 5 visits b/c the center had a deal that your first 5 visits netted you $50 per visit. After that my rates were going to go down...to a level I didnt find appealing at all. No matter. $250 bucks is just what I needed to save my weekend at NOVA.
So, I headed in. The first day was a bit of an ordeal. I went in early (8am) and didnt finish up that day until around 3pm. It only takes an hour to donate a full helping of plasma and the rest of the days was taken up by physicals and an interveiw to make sure I wasnt any sort of a high risk patient. (they need good plasma...not plasma from drug addicts or other high risk doners that might be diseased for whatever reason)

Yes, the donating skeeved me out...and I didnt listen to my GF (again, Who the fuck does????) and did not hydrate myself properly afterwords. While running errands afterwords I had a bit of a reaction and almost passed out due to the procedure while standing in line at a bank....I had momentarily blacked out and everything.

I went on undeterred however. From then on I listened to my GF and made sure that I was hydrating myself heavily and eating b4 going in to donate. I still had $200 to earn. Donating twice a week. At about an hour and a half max of my time every visit I was able to come up with the money quite easily....my trip to Nova was saved and I went and had a great time.

Now, however, since my initial 5 visits were spent, my rates for donating have gone down. Now, I receive a mere $25 for the first visit, and assuming I make it a second time within the week I will make $40 dollars on that visit. $65 a week possible income for going in. I had not considered the experience that pleasant so I wasnt thinking that I would go back....

....but Dark Eldar models are so fucking beautiful....

Since the Nova I've been bouncing ideas around in my head about which direction I want to take with my Dark Kin. I've got three different army lists that I play on Vassal right now and I'd like to be able to take whatever I like on tabletop. I had a raider dominated force and since the Venom is relatively new I hadnt purchased any as of yet....but I've got these lists that are begging to be built.

I thought about it a bit and decided..."You know, I can pick up 2 Venoms after two visits to the plasma center." It's a $30 model before any of the discounts that most of us FLGS frequenters typically enjoy. Easily able to get in two boxes. In fact...I had an entire army now that I thought of it that would be availiable for play after a few short weeks doing this....

....so I headed back to the center....

Since I decided to do this, using plasma to leverage models into my army, I've been able to add 10 Scourges and 4 Venoms into my army. That's $170 worth of models.....and the beautiful part? Its a guilt free expenditure. The fact of the matter is, that I wouldn't donate for any other reason right now other than spending money. It's not exactly a "fun" thing to do...but the ends justifies the means in my mind. Also, my better half has said herself that she cannot complain that i'm "wasting" up to $270 a month (6 visits a month nets you an extra $10 locally) on toy soldiers! Thats sort of a significant amount if you think about it. I'm able to spend that much on toys every month and not have any arguement at all about how that money should've gone to bills/savings/groceries/whatever. It's beautiful.

It appears that I've also gotten better at donating! Lemme illustrate the visit for you. It sounds bad...inserting a needle and [Skeksis of the Dark Crystal accent]Draining your living essence[/Skeksis of the Dark Crystal accent]. It's honestly not that bad at all now that I've gotten used to it. Assuming you get a good 'stick'...there is no pain whatsoever aside from inserting the needle in your arm. If you feel pain, the needle simply needs to be adjusted by an attending nurse...which they are happy to do for your comfort. Failing that, when the machine returns your red blood cells to you, sometimes the return needs to be slowed down. Again, an attending nurse can help you with this. Other than these two things, there is no pain whatsoever. Again THERE IS NO PAIN INVOLVED! You simply sit in a lazyboy and play Texas hold 'em on your Iphone for the hour it takes to donate. I've also gotten used to the procedure in that I no longer get tired afterwords. I simply make sure I stay hydrated and I will typically go eat afterwords...and go on with the rest of my day willy nilly. Often going and picking up my models and gluing them together b4 I ever remove the bandage from donating.

It's truly easy.

I'm sharing this with you, the community, because times right now are indeed difficult. Often we cannot find the money to dedicate toward our hobby. This is a very simple way to get a little extra cash to do something you love. Also, honestly, you have the moral high ground of knowing that you're saving someones life by doing this little act.

It's a win/win situation. I give life giving plasma to those that need it/I'm supplied with beautiful Dark Eldar models for my army. Everyone wins.

Anyway, next time you need a little extra cash for that new BLOOD ANGEL army. Think about giving some plasma. You'll be well on your way to adding 4 Lascannon/PLASMA GUN Razorbacks to your list that will cost you no more than a few hours of your time.

See you at the centre.

James Lipton's "INSIDE THE WARRIORS STUDIO": Kharne the Betrayer

I would like to welcome you to a new feature here on Commorragh, "Inside the Warrior's Studio".

In the same vein as James Lipton's show, we will be interveiwing some of the most radient personalities from the 40k universe. Today we've braved the perils of Warp Space to bring you none other than a defining personality from the World Eaters, a champion from before the days of the Horus Heresy, the former personal equerry to Angron, the Betrayer of Skalathrax, Scourge of the 13 Black Crusade. His death toll has been felt across all of the known galaxy. Today, I'm happy to say....that this gentleman is here today to take just a few minutes out of his busy schedule to answer a few questions for us"Inside the Warrior's Studio" is proud...and priviledged to bring you the Murderous, the Heinous, the Avatar of Khorne himself.... Kharn the Betrayer.

DS-Thank you for coming here today Kharn. I'm delighted that you in all your generocity have decided to join us here on this, the very first edition of "Inside the Warrior's Studio". In the tradition of Mr. Lipton, I've taken down some of his typical interveiw questions and, at your discretion, will be asking them of you so that your fans out there may better know the real 'you', and maybe understand how a warrior such as yourself might accomplish such great feats as you have over your career. Well know...lets get started, shall we?

First, just to break the ice, perhaps we could start with an amusing anecdote from you? Perhaps something that happened just to give a 'feel' to your audience of "Who is Kharn? What is he all about?"

Kharn-AAAARRRRAAAGGHGHHH!!!! *smashes Gorechild down on coffee table splintering it to bits* MURDER! SLAY! AAARRRRAAAGHHHH!

DS-Hahahaha, oh how delightful. With that wonderful start, let us begin the actual questionaire shall we....oh, yes, hahaha, most delightful.

Now, if I were to ask you, "What is your favorite word?" what would you say? What is Kharn the Betrayers favorite word?

Kharn-BLOOD FOR THE BLOOD GOD!!!!

DS-Ahhh, of course. I could've guessed....and your least favorite?

Kharn-RRRRAAAAGGGHHHHHAAAGGGHH!!!!!

DS-Kharn my friend you are such a delight! Wonderful. Tell me, and your millions of loving fans out there, what turns Kharn the Betrayer 'on' creatively, spiritually and emotionally?

Kharn-BLOOD FOR THE BLOOD GOD!!! SKULLS FOR THE SKULL THRONE OF KHORNE!!!!

DS-Of course, of course. To further that point, what would you say, turns you 'off'?

Kharn-DEATH!!! DEATH TO THE FALSE EMPEROR OF MANKIND!!! AAARRAARHHHHHGGG!!!

DS-...and what other answer to that question could there possibly be I ask you? Indeed my friend, indeed. Kharn, now I find myself wanting to ask, what is your favorite curse word? When you're feeling upset about something, what do you find yourself wanting to state to the world?

Kharn-KILLMAIMBURNKILLMAIMBURN!!!!!

DS-I see. I feel like saying that myself at times. Most understandable and appropriate. Now, if you were to choose a sound or noise that you love, such as a beautiful melody or the sound of running water...what would that sound be? What is your favorite sound?

Kharn- *hoists Gorechild above his head depressing the activation rune. Gorechild roars to life*

DS- Ahh, yes, a beautiful sound indeed. I can see where that would be most relaxing. What about your least favorite sound my good sir?

Kharn-*releases the activation rune....silence fills the room*

DS- Interesting, interesting. Not a favorite of my own either I must add. Now, for our next question, let us assume that you've decided to give up reaving and slaying. Silly, I agree, but indulge me. Now, you've given it up, what does Kharn do now? Where does he go? What would you do with your life?

Kharn- Yes, I've ofttimes explored that question myself Deadshane. In all honesty, I beleive my endeavors would lead me to pure philosophy and tasking myself with simply exploring the mind and thought itself. Regardless, I would definatly take it easy for much of my remaining time, that is for certain. Who was it? I beleive it was either Plato or O'Conner who stated "It is not so much how busy you are, but why you are busy. The bee is praised, the mosquito is swatted." Hahaha, oh yes indeed. Yes indeed.

DS- Hohoho, yes, how delightful you are. I'm insane with delight! Let us continue shall we? With that said, what profession would you NOT care to do? What profession would you avoid?

Kharn- DIE!!!!! BURN!!!!! *Kharn draws his plasma pistol and blasts a waiter out in the audience as he serves a drink. The waiter vaporises instantly but not before he has time to scream in searing pain from the explosive blast of sunfire* KILLKILLKILLKILL!!!!!!

DS- One can hardly be blamed for wanting to avoid the service industry, this is for certain. Now my friend, as a final question to conclude this interveiw where you have been such a gracious guest. Please, tell us what would you like to hear God say as you arrive at the pearly gates?

Kharn-AAARRRAAGGGHHHH!!!!! *Kharn goes berserk and begins to destroy the studio and everything that gets close enough to him to be slain* KILL!!!! SLAY!!!! BURN!!! MAIM!!! KILL!!! RRRAAAAGGGGHHHHAAAGGGHHH!!!!

DS- Thank you my dear friend, thank you. That will conclude tonights show of "Inside the Warrior's Studio" My most heartfelt thank-you's go out to Kharn for taking the time out of his busy schedule of World Eating to come here and share with us that which makes him so very special. A loved character of the 41st millenium. We all wish him the best of luck in all of his future endeavors...wherever that may take him. Thank you Kharn.

Kharn-RAAAGGHHHHHKILLMAIMBURNKILLMAIMBURNKILLMAIMBURN!!!!

AAARRRAAAAGGGGHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!