Monday, July 30, 2012


6th is great.
Flyers are Broken.
Aegis gunlines for Air defense.
Grey Knights still overpowered.

Let us not forget the mightiest and most feared fighters in the 40k universe.  No not Paladins, not Nob Bikers, not Thunderwolves.

The Catachan Devil, the jungle fighter of the Imperial Guard. 

We're not going to rehash here why they are the mightiest warriors in Warhammer...this is already known.  However, there are some skills, abilities and facts about Catachan Jungle fighters that are a bit less well known.  I just thought I would post a few of them here.

A Catachan sneaking up on you is actually just being courteous enough to not make your last few minutes as grief stricken, urine stained, and terrifying as they could be.

Even a mark of chaos isn't as dark as the shiner you get from a catachan's kiss.

On predator homeworlds there's a pyramid where once every hunderd years Catachans send their youths to hunt them.

Catachans are the reason that Furiens and Mandalore aren't in 40k.

Catachan Devils can sneak up on the eye of Sauron in broad daylight across an open field wearing flourescents ponchos.

Catachans are the reason there are no Wood-Eldar tribes in 40k.

Catachan women use 'morning after' pills as prenatal vitamins when pregnant with Catachan children.

While not actually magical, a Catachan blade is so sharp it can kill a spirit host or banshee.

If bit by a Catachan you won't actually become a Catachan(that's an old wive's tale)

C'tan is actually Hiveganger slang for a Catachan.

It's true. Catachans sell their surplus 'swords' to the Callidus temple to make a little extra during the holidays.

An unarmed Catachan can disarm a Catcus with two moves. A Devil can do it in one and use the Cactus's momentum against it.

Catachans often visit the Emperor to see how he's holding up without mentioning the fact that he was beat up by a sissy-girl. They really do care as is obvious by the flowers and cards that the Adeptus Custodes clean up after them.

I heard that once a week a Catachan looks death square in the eyes and every time has let death walk away.

When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Catachans..

Catachans are so strong they can slam revolving doors.

Catachans don't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

-A man stopped a Catachan Officer on the street and asked him how many Tyarnids he has killed. Unamused,the officer raised one eyebrow with such force that the man disintegrated.

Catachan lieutenants can instant-kill Nagash while playing hero-clix at a movie theater showing Aliens vs. Predator 2 (It will anger you that bad at how it sucks.)

Only Catachan women give birth to real men. This is because the Catchan infants are inherently stealthy beyong regular humans and a regular woman may not even know she's given birth until several months later when the infant, due to his inexperience, leaves a food cabinet open (he'll outgrow this tendency before he can walk)
P.S.- Catachan infants will walk when they're in the emperor dam mood and should never be coddled (it is a sign of weakness and comprimises your role as it's parent)
FYI- When Catachan skywalker met Obi-wan kenobi he quickly made him a number two Kenobi by slapping him with the blunt side of his Catachan fang(knife).
Catchans can kill two stones, a tyrranid horde, several orc boyz, and a chaos sorcerer with one bird.

In an ancient archaeotech facility, adaptus mechanus archaeologists discovered the origin of the high gothic word "victim." Loosly translated it means "one who encounters a Catchan"

Catchans can play russian roulette with a fully charged laspistol and win.

Most human children play kick the can, Catchan children play kick the keg.
The Catachan male is so powerful that should he mate all female models under a 3" template must save vs. pregnancy

When a Catachan hits a warcatser he starts to focus real quick...on what the Catachan was saying before he hit him.

The only thing hotter than a heavy flamer is a Catachan. The only thing hotter than a Catachan is probably already extinct.

Catachans don't recieve renlistment bonuses because the adeptus munitorum knows that because of their work ethic they won't quit until the jobs done. They've only renlisted once and that was when the squats ran off at the mouth.

Alot of Catachans are already dead because of arguments they've had with each other. Unfortunately, death can't find them and is afraid to try.

The world of Catachan doesn't spin. It forces the universe to move around it. It's moon always tells it when it'll be behind it for failure to do so would result in it being smacked into a comet.

It would only take 2 Catachans to hold the Persians up at Thermapolyae. It would probably only take one but the other would be necessary to substantiate his story later.

Commissars often ask a Catachan for permission to execute them for a crime. Catachans will normally say 'yes' since death is merely an inconvenience to them. Catachans have death-leave to recover during this period of inactivity.

Nurgle is nothing more than an alliance formed from the venereal diseases that couldn't take root in the Catachan body.

Slaanesh is a combination of the colors they've chased out of their wardrobes.
In the Catachan regiments there are only two formations. One before the war and the victory speech right after. carry on, son!
This post made possible by Vipertongue and other Atlantis comics alumni.

1 comment:

  1. They are a frickin army of Rambos! When I first started playing we would say that to try to get kids to buy the Catachan Battalion.

    TPM plays em so you know they are ill.